Breaking Up with Self-Doubt

Today is the first day of not receiving a scheduled meal. I am ever so grateful for everyone who has taken the time to bring us a meal over the past two and a half weeks. It’s been such a blessing! That being said, I’ve battled with that at the same time. I am my own worst critic. I do not speak kindly to myself and God has revealed to me over the last two days that I need to accept myself and love myself. I need to forgive myself for the harsh things I’ve spoken to myself and for the thoughts I’ve had toward myself as well. I need to break up with my self-doubt and embrace who I am and who God created me to be. I am more than a number on the scale and more than an image in the mirror I see. True beauty comes from the inside. It’s more than our outfits and hair and outward adorning. God spoke to me very clearly this morning in my devotion reading and I need to do something for myself. I am going to share it with you because I feel led to. I need to tell myself, out loud, that I am beautiful. Every day.

After two weeks of amazing Mexican cuisine and then two and a half weeks of meals being brought to us, there is a lot of excess weight that has found its way back onto my midsection. That is such a personal battle for me. Every fibre of my being wants to scream at the image I see in the mirror. I have been so hard on myself (and I have enough sense to know this is not just careless backsliding) and I need to stop it. It’s going to stop right here. Right now! I will become stronger again. I will make my comeback from this! It may take me a while but every single choice I make and every tiny step I take is progress and I need to celebrate those little victories! I am worth it. I want to be strong and enjoy the active lifestyle we have, hence the decision in the first place to have surgery done on my back. I want my daughter to love herself and I know if I show her that I don’t like my body she will have her doubts regarding body image and beauty. I don’t want to scar her because of my own stupidity. God revealed to me today also that I need to stop comparing myself to other women in my life. He gave me different skin. While most others have nice, resilient skin…mine is not. Mine has stretched out from years of depression and food love. Finding comfort in food was something I did for years when I struggled to deal with childhood hurt and abuse. That all came to an exploding point after I had two kids and raging, out-of-control hormones. I didn’t know what the first step was in the right direction. Food was my comfort. So, my skin has been stretched to the max and I have scars to prove it. After I started my weight loss journey I really hated myself for allowing myself to get so big and now my skin has been stretched and I can’t get it back to how it should be. If only I cared enough about myself to always take care of myself, but, I was just too full of hurt and feelings of worthlessness.

Since the birth of our daughter, I have been pretty strict with myself regarding food and exercise. It’s been worth it! I’ve come such a long way. The past year and half has left its damage again, but like I said, I will make a comeback. I will be stronger! I will be healthier!

Today has been a good food day, just to put it out there. Other than a  tiny serving of ice cream, I’ve been really good. It’s day one of a better me! I know the exercising will not have place in my routine until my body is healed and ready, but at least I can start with food. That will already do wonders, especially to ease my mind. I am super thankful for the amazing people who were sensitive to my concerns and brought me fruit instead of baked sweets! I love you!! I was overjoyed. I also had one meal brought that is considered “on-plan” of the eating lifestyle I try to follow. I was super happy about that!

I read a quote on Pinterest last night that said “an empty cup can not pour” and underneath it said “take care of yourself so that you can take care of others”. I was like, “YES”, I needed to hear that. I need to take care of myself so that healing can happen. I want to do my normal duties again but I will not do that if I don’t take care of myself!! To give an update on where I am right now….I can walk at a somewhat normal pace as long as I don’t do it for more than 15 min or so. If I’m on my feet too much my pace slows to a snail’s speed. I am able to bend slightly to pick up things that I drop (which happens a lot). I’ve become quite clumsy since surgery, which is frustrating at times. I have to bend using my knees, I can’t just bend over at the waist. I am able to do some simple tasks. I have to be very careful not to overexert myself. I have done that and it’s not worth it, because I get a lot of pain during the night and the next day if I do too much. I did some billing and stuff for the business the other day. It worked. I did it by standing at my counter and took a lot of breaks but the world keeps on turning and my work piles up for me, so I really needed to at least try and see if I could accomplish it. I got through it. I was very tired at the end of the day but I felt satisfied. I had done something myself again; something that is my job that no one else has to do for me.

Today has also been emotional for another reason. My daughter was invited to a birthday party. I asked my sister-in-law if she would be willing to take her as well as take the boys to the local spray park while E was at her party. I seemed ok with it until she drove off our yard this afternoon. The tears started to roll down my cheeks. She’s doing things with my kids that are my job. All the fun summer things that I usually do with my kids, someone else is stepping in to do them for me. I’m ok with others cleaning my house, doing the dishes and cleaning the laundry, but when it comes to my kids, it makes me sad. How I long to just get in my van and drive!! Take them for ice cream. Take them to the park. Take them out for a movie. Our usual summer fun will look a lot different this year. I have to be ok with it, but it kinda hurts my heart. I want to feel useful but my sweet husband reminds me that right now my useful job is to get better. I know he’s right, but that doesn’t make it any easier.

So, now that I’ve poured my heart out again I feel better. I know that God is with me. I feel His love for me. I will continue to praise Him for all his goodness. I will love myself. I will forgive myself. I will embrace who he has created me to be. I will listen to his voice and be humble. I will encourage others as they encourage me. I will be a listening ear, and pray. If that’s all I can do right now, that’s enough. I will not give up. I will keep moving forward. God’s strength inside of me. God’s love surrounding me. He is faithful and he will help me. I’m sure of this. I hope this post encourages someone. I have poured out a lot of heart, which is not easy to do, but I know that someone, somewhere needs to know that they are not the only one struggling. I know there was a time I really needed to know that I was not alone.

Have a great weekend. Enjoy the celebrations of our nation!!

blessings all.

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