I hope everyone is having a good long weekend. We took our first camping trip of the season last weekend so we didn’t head out this weekend. Looking at the weather forecast, I’m really glad we chose last weekend instead of this one. We had an amazing time away in the mountains. I love to spend weekends there in God’s raw beauty. We didn’t see as much wildlife as we usually do, but it was still such a relaxing time. I really needed that, because I knew how stressful our schedule was going to get over the next week. I am so thankful for the time we took to get away, considering it will probably be our only camping trip this year, depending on how my recovery goes.
I’ve really struggled with posting on here again. I had really good feedback after my last post and now I feel like “what if this post isn’t as good as the last one”…..I’m the type that always compares myself and it drives me crazy! I will just take my thoughts captive and keep typing. I’ve been stressing over 2 major things this past week…..
Stress #1. I have had a lot of people ask me about the results of my breast MRI. I have not said anything as I am trying to process the stupidity of my doctors. I have been very angry and therefore have not felt like sharing because I get really fired up and will probably say something I shouldn’t. I was told it’s not cancer. I am extremely relieved to hear that, but what I heard next sent me over the edge! Since it’s not cancer, they are not going to do anymore research or tests or anything else to see why I’m having such terrible pain and discomfort all the time. At first, I was told they would not stop looking until they had found a solution for me and now I’m just a chewed up gum being tossed in the trash. I take it very personal when I am told that I am not worth it to try and find an answer. I blame that feeling of betrayal on the person who misused and abused me as a child and told me that I wasn’t worth anything better. That leaves scars so deep that I don’t know if they will ever completely heal. That situation, at that time, also made me feel like a piece of chewed up gum heading for the trash. Needless to say, I will be switching doctors (although I have really liked my doctor up until now). He has always been so kind and has always taken extra time to spend talking to me which always made me believe that I was really cared for in his office. This week I really lashed out at him when he told me that he was done looking into it, and he told me that I needed an antidepressant to adjust my mood! That was the last straw for me!! I could have punched a hole through the wall of his office (if I was a violent person) and the urge to do so was certainly there! I asked him how well his mood would handle being in constant pain all the time while still needing to take care of your family and all the busyness that comes with everyday life. He admitted it wouldn’t be easy. I told him that if he only walked a day in my shoes he would never tell me again that I need an antidepressant for my mood. I need help and an answer for my pain; I don’t need meds to sedate my feelings.
I put on a brave face every single day. Maybe it’s wrong for me to do so, but it’s what keeps me going. If I looked the way I felt and the pain inside me was visible, I would scare every single person away! I am not kidding! I would be a sight to see. I force myself to get dressed, do my hair (just so), and slap on a smile. I am lying to myself and those around me by what they see but it’s a coping mechanism for me.
Stress #2. I have only 7 days until surgery date. Only 5 days until we fly out to Mexico. I have a huge to-do list for this week but I’m just focusing on the most important things. If I can get the bills paid up-to-date, laundry done, a general cleaning of the house and suitcases packed, then I have done well. The kids are over the moon with excitement of the upcoming trip since it’s their first trip of it’s sort for them. This is not how I pictured our first trip to a tropical place with our family, but I am so glad that God doesn’t allow us to know how the road ahead of us will go. I believe that God is still good, even when my circumstances really suck! I have really been stressing about the outcome of the surgery but am reminded constantly that God is with me and He will give me the strength that I need for each day. He is walking with me and carrying me. I am not alone. God is in Mexico too. God is on the flight. God is in each step of my recovery. He already knows what lies ahead and He’s already there. There’s not a single place that I will go that He has not seen. I take so much comfort out of that bit of knowledge. Without my God, I would be a bigger wreck than I am now, because then I would have no hope to hold onto. God is so much bigger than all my fears and He is bigger than anything I will face.
Please pray for us this week as we try to prepare for our trip. The kids have been very “off” because they sense a nervousness amidst their excitement because they know this is not a happy trip for me. They know it will be hard for me. There have been so many extra hugs and cuddles over the past week and I every single time it moves me to tears. I thank God so much for the blessing that my children are to me as they try to comfort me every single moment they are around me. My daughter (who is 5) keeps telling me “Mommy, I wuv you so much and I feel like I miss you and I don’t know why”. My precious child, I miss me too. I miss the joy and happiness that has faded over the past year. I have to try and find joy in the midst of pain. I have to praise God for all His goodness in the midst of suffering. He desires us to give Him all the glory in every situation and in every moment. I must choose joy.
I will probably not be posting again until we are in Mexico. Our flight leaves Saturday morning and I meet with the surgeon on Saturday night. I will post my progress and the exact time of surgery once I know and am able to. I know Saturday will be a very long day and be both physically, and emotionally draining. Please, please keep us in your prayers.
Will update soon.